I am the Doctor? You got to be kidding me
by orlha
Summary: I'm just a normal whovian who have always dreamt of going to the whoniverse. One day I went to bed and literally woke up in the Tardis. Seriously guys. Stop calling me the Doctor. I AM NOT THE DOCTOR! Apparently even the Tardis thinks I'm the Doctor. Then there's the kissing thing. I can't live this down... [ONE SHOT] T for swearing.


I always wanted to go to the Whoniverse. See the stars, see the different planets, who wouldn't want that? But it's impossible seeing the Whoniverse is part of a TV programme. I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact of living in our boring universe with only Doctor Who to content with. I had been having a bleeding headache the whole day. Migraines are typically normal for me. Something to do with my light sensitivity, the optician used big scientific words that makes me go yawn. As always, I took a nap with my trusty eye pillow to alleviate my migraines.

Except I didn't wake up in my bed.

I woke up with the cold glass floor pressed to my cheek and wondering why the hell and how the hell I had ended up on a glass floor. Of course all those thoughts sort of rushed away when I looked up. It was the TARDIS. It seemed to be. I fangirled for a moment. Then I realized I didn't recognize it. It sure as hell wasn't Ten's or Eleven's and while it did look vaguely like Twelve's… it really wasn't. The time rotor was just wrong. It looked more like Eight's with late Eleven's floor. Which Doctor was this?

I got up, staring rather apprehensively at the console room. Actually, they always described about how the whovians got teleported into the Doctor's console room, but it was highly plausible to teleport to another time lord's TARDIS. Assuming that a, the universe existed and b, there were other time lords. Hell it might even a time lord before the Time War. I'm sure that's possible! Anything's possible.

I think I must have hyperventilated a bit before I saw Clara step into the console room with a look of disbelief on her face.

"I can explain!" I said, quickly before she decided I was some weird intruder or something. I didn't want to get on the Doctor's bad side at the beginning of my adventure.

"Yes, explain to me Doctor. You told me to put you in the Zero room and yet not even five minutes later, you're standing here in the console room," she said. She folded her arms and stared rather unhappily at me.

At me! Why was she staring at me!? I looked around and then under the white jump seat that was oddly reminiscent of the Ten's. I know it's weird, but the Doctor might be under the console right? Ooh, I liked those jump seats. I always thought they were so cool.

"Where's the Doctor?" I said, returning back to the topic at hand.

She gaped at me. "You got to be kidding me. You're the Doctor, Doctor."

"I'm the DOCTOR?" Okay I sounded a bit hysterical there. I'm quite certain I'm still female. I groped my chest. Yes, my boobs were still there. No wait. If I'm the Doctor and I'm female… What on earth is going on?! I don't remember a female Doctor. The Doctor has always been male. What's more, why am I the Doctor?

I paced around the room. "I'm the Doctor. I'm female. No, that's not possible! I can't be the Doctor or female! I mean I was female but I wasn't the Doctor."

I mean, I know I am originally female but there's never been a female Doctor. Not on TV. Oh god, did I screw up the timelines. No wait, how can I even be the Doctor? That's illogical. Fanfics never mentioned this. They always were teleported to the Doctor and sort of became their companion. Those were totally cool. I always wanted to be a companion, not a Doctor. Okay, I might have a teensy weensy wanted to be the Doctor but he had all the RAWR. I didn't think I have the angst and RAWR to keep up with his image.

"I don't have bigger on the inside pockets or even a screwdriver. I can't be the Doctor." I sulked and was going to stuff my hands into my pockets the way I always do back home except my hands… my arms went right into my pockets. Oh hey, found the sonic screwdriver too. I pulled it out and stared at it. It didn't look like Ten or Eleven's screwdriver. It was sleek with a black metal casing. Hadn't seen one of this before on TV. I whirred it around, fangirling at the sound, the feel, and the fact it actually had those scan results scrolling out. I had never seen those before on TV, I suppose it might have been telepathic linked to the user's mind?

I stopped myself in amidst my fangirl mode. New sonic, new Tardis console room, bigger on the inside pocket. I'm not really the Doctor, right?

"Look I'm definitely not the Doctor. I even suck at Math. Really. I got an F for my advanced math."

"What's 3782831781 multiplied by 2321.832?"

"8783099879742.792. Wait what? How did I do that? Is that even correct?" I looked at the Tardis who then displayed the answer which was the same answer I gave.

"I couldn't have just done that and flunk advanced math so terribly that I got kicked out of college."

"You got kicked out of college?"

"In my other life. No. Tell them I'm not the Doctor, Old Girl."

The time rotor wheezed. "No, don't tell it to me telepathically. Voice command, tell them I'm not the Doctor."

A duplicate of Twelve appeared beside me and replied in a monotone, "You are the Doctor."

"That's not possible! I'm just a weird 25 year old who has weird hobbies."

"You are the Doctor," the voice command repeated.

"Oh my god. This seriously can't be happening." I ran my hands through my hair. "I knew my migraines were something! I had a migraine! I took a nap and woke up here."

Clara stood at the edge of the hallway. There was look of horror and amusement on her face. I think it was more horror than amusement. I'm not really sure all I knew that I started freaking out even more when Danny stood beside her.

"Danny? You're supposed to be dead!"

"Well you pulled me out of the…"

"Wait. So which regeneration am I supposed to be?" Nope. Definitely not taking this too well. "How did I look like before this one?" How the hell did I look right now? I pulled a lock of hair in front. Black! Black hair! Ears… have both of them. No wait! Why am I even checking how I look? The question is why do they think I'm the freaking Doctor!? This has to be some kind of elaborate plan with Twelve popping going, HAH! Got ya! Not that it was his kind of thing.

"Old man with white hair."

"Okay. So I'm the… Thirteen? So I didn't change anything right? Except for Danny standing there alive. I felt really weirded out looking at him, not sure if he's supposed to be dead or because he has some weird thing that's weirding me out. Is that even a word? Weirding." I paced the floor, biting my nail.

Danny raised an eyebrow at me. "You weren't kidding when you said he, I mean she was crazy."

Damnit Danny. I'm not crazy. I'm pretty sure it's called a nervous breakdown. I moved to the console. The old girl hummed under my hand, there was a warm comforting feeling at the back of my head. "Hey old girl. Am I really the Doctor?" I whispered.

She hummed in agreement. Ok, if the Tardis recognized me as the Doctor then what the hell just happened? I'm pretty sure just I was normal girl who watched too much Doctor Who when I went to bed last night. This must be a dream! Oh yes! If this is a dream, I should totally find Jack Harkness. I always wanted to kiss Jack Harkness.

I looked down at my clothes. Still wearing Twelve's clothes. That should have been my first clue. First the wardrobe!

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"The wardrobe is as awesome as I thought it'd be! This is freaking awesome! " I stared in amazement at the stories of clothes.

"Doctor... " Clara started. " I think you should rest a little longer in the zero room. You did give Danny and I very explicit instructions to keep you there."

"But it's just clothes..." I whined. I'm whining. I'm pretty sure I didn't used to do that when I was awake. This dream world is making me weird. "Oh look! Converse shoes!"

I fell into a craze for converse shoes ever since I watched David Tennant act on TV as the Tenth doctor. I paired it with an a-line denim skirt, black leggings and a blue top. Nothing too exciting like the Eleven's or Twelve's. I still looked the same as I did back in 'the real world'; black hair, blue eyes, a bit Asian looking with big eyes almost comparable to Clara's.

"You look almost normal, " a female voice commented.

"That's cause I actually have a fashion sense." I repiled. I turned around and saw River smirking at me. "Oh my god, it's River. It's River standing in front of me!"

She had that big poofy hair just like she did on TV. I always wondered if it was soft. I reached for her hair and stroked it. It was really soft and silky. How the heck did she maintain her hair like that?

River turned to Clara with a questioning look.

"Bad regeneration," Clara muttered.

"What happened?"

"The Doctor saved Danny and me from Missy then Missy shot the Doctor with some kind of chemical. We got away but the Doctor regenerated. And before he regenerated he was going on about how it was a bad regeneration. Something about kissing."

"Kissing?" River said. She turned to me and with a smug smile, she kissed me. It was not the friend kiss but the sort of deep, long kiss that I used to do with my boyfriend. Totally unexpected so you'll have to excuse my flailing there. Yes, I flailed quite a bit. She was quite a good kisser but it sort of felt weird. Not to mention I know River is the Doctor's wife, but she never greeted the Doctor that way on TV. Didn't she even wonder who the hell I was? Wait dream. OK. So that would guarantee that everyone in the Doctor Who's cast would know me, right? So I'm assuming she's met me before as this... regeneration. If you could call it what this is – regeneration. I still have my dibs on this being a hyper realistic dream.

"Holy bo-jingle! River! You're hot and all. But I don't like girls! Seriously! " I pushed her away and wiped my mouth frantically.

"That's what you always say. " She said with a smile.

I huffed to the console room, closely followed by Clara who was still trying to convince me to rest in the zero room and River making kissy sounds. Why was she making kissy sounds?

"Where are we going?" Clara asked.

"Cardiff. 2000ish."

"What! You can't!"

I would have raised an eyebrow at that but I was too busy looking at the console apprehensively. They might call me the Doctor, but I have absolutely no idea how to pilot a Tardis. I placed my hands on the console.

_Come on Sexy. Show me on to pilot you please?_

She hummed that sounded vaguely like amusement. A flash of images flew through my head, the instructions on how to pilot a Tardis. I gave the console a kiss before dancing round the manic dance that reminded me strongly of Eleven All the buttons to press and data to input. It was a jerky flight, no less jerkier than the Doctors' I would say. I think I did quite well for my first flight.

"Seriously Doctor! You can't!" Clara moved in front of the door.

"Well I'm the Doctor now and I say that's just rubbish. This is a dream anyway, so I say let's go!" I gave her a pointed look.

"And you said you weren't the Doctor," Danny said with a wry smile. "Clara do you still want me to drag her back to the zero room?"

Clara glanced at Danny then back at me. "The Doctor specified that I must not let him go to Cardiff. He was specific about it."

I wondered why the Doctor was very specific on not wanting his new regeneration to go to Cardiff before scoffing. I brushed past her and skipped out of the doors. Fresh air! I saw a figure in the distance. Jack must have seen the Tardis land on top of the rift and came out to meet the Doctor. By Doctor, I meant me. He came out to meet me. The Doctor on the TV didn't described aptly how weird it felt looking at Jack. It felt like I was looking at something… swirling or something. Words fail me but just as words fail to describe how weird it was to look at Jack, words fail to describe how hot Jack really was. He was like the epitome of manliness, the abs, the biceps. Yum. Had I not been so weirded out by the feeling when I looked at him, I might have been inclined to throw myself on the floor in front of him and beg him to take me. Not that I was that sort of person. It just seems kind of weird that I think about it. I think I'm a lot more hyper than my real self and by hyper, I do refer to me jumping about and doing a lot of things I wouldn't have traditionally done when I'm awake.

"Jack?" I said, after a long moment of staring at him.

He looked at me up and down, then smiling at me he replied, "Hello there."

I smiled widely at him. "Hi, there's something I always wanted to do."

He raised an eyebrow at me. I leaned forward and kissed him. Jack wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer. His other hand threaded my hair.

An arm jerked me away, breaking our kiss abruptly. "No no no no! You're not supposed to kiss Jack! Jack you're not supposed to kiss every girl you meet on the street!"

I turned to the voice, surprised to see Eleven towering over me with a panicked look. He looked at me with green eyes, his floppy hair and purple bow tie. Where did he appear from? Ooo cue inner fan girl squeal. I turned and gave him a great big hug.

"Hi Doctor!"

Eleven frowned at me like some mystery weirdo that had just latched onto him. Actually I couldn't fault with him about that. I was definitely a mystery and a weirdo for suddenly hugging him.

"Clara, River where's the Doctor?" he looked at them quizzically.

The duo pointed at me who is now frantically bouncing up and down in front of him.

"I've always wanted to meet you!" I wish I had some form of pride but I got to hug Matt Smith! He might not have been my favourite Doctor but he was my second favourite.

He whirred his sonic at me with a frown. "Tell me I didn't regen into that." He groaned.

I pointed at myself. "That?"

"Yes that. Kissing monster."

"Hey I only kissed Jack and yep! You did!" I smirked, popping my P.

"Tell me she didn't kiss everyone." Eleven groaned, palming his forehead.

"Well she hasn't kissed Clara or me yet if that counts," Danny said.

"I can rectify that," I said with a large grin. I planted a large kiss on Clara's lips then a quick peck on Danny's.

"Nonononononono," Eleven pulled me away. "No kissing!"

Then before he could react, I turned around and snogged him as well. I've no idea what overcame me. I swear, I AM NOT A KISSING MONSTER IN REAL LIFE. Damnit. I was a pretty sane, almost painfully shy normal geek. Eleven pushed me away, wiping his lips frantically and spitting on the floor. Everyone was staring at me stunned.

"Okay, kissing your past self is kinda weird," I muttered. "Nice but weird."

Behind I could hear Danny whisper to probably Clara. "I think I know why he instructed us not to let himself go to Cardiff after he regenerated."

"The Doctor snogged me," Jack laughed. "And himself!"

"I always wanted to do that ever since I saw both of you on the TV." I smiled.

"Straight back to the Zero room!" He gripped my arm tightly and half dragged me back into the Tardis. I waved a sad goodbye to the amused Jack.

"Later, Jack!"

"No! No later! You're not kissing Jack again! You're staying in the Zero room until your regeneration cycle is over. And you're not kissing anyone else!"

"I don't see why it matters. I'm you anyway," I sulked. Eleven groaned. "Or I'm supposed to be you. This is just a dream. I'll wake up soon."

He gave me a weird look as he left the room. He must have set the Tardis to park in the vortex. The humming of the Tardis was different now. It was boring sitting there and I may or may not have drifted off. All of a sudden there was a jerk which snapped me wide awake again. The cloister bells rang. I'm no doctor, but I wasn't going to sit around waiting for someone else to fix it. Well, I'm supposed to be the Doctor. I'm not much of a Doctor without any memories.

I ran out of the zero room, nearly crashing into Danny who had been running towards me. "Clara said the Daleks has hijacked the Tardis."

"Where's Eleven?"

"Eleven? You mean the other Doctor? You number your faces?" Danny asked incredulously. "Er… He set the flight and left. Said something about the Tardis can't withstand two of you in one Tardis."

"Fantastic. Brilliant. Molto Bene! Marvellous! Hmm I like that." I laughed as I skidded into the console room. "This dream is getting better and better."

"You keep saying it's a dream but it doesn't feel like a dream to us!" Danny said to Clara. "I told you he, I mean she was crazy."

"Danny! It's just a bad regeneration! You remember what happened."

Danny fell silent. Whatever that happened that caused this regeneration must have made Danny feel guilty. He was supposed to be dead at the end of series eight yet here he was, alive. I wish I 'remembered'. The TV hadn't shown past series eight yet. I'm still not convinced that this isn't a dream.

"According to the scans, we're onboard a fully fledged Dalek ship. They'll want me, so Clara, Danny. Stay in the Tardis. She'll protect you." I explained and hurried out of the doors before they could oppose. I sonicked the doors shut and had half expected to be surrounded by Daleks seeing they had hijacked the Tardis. There was nothing there. Just another… Tardis? Another Tardis! Brilliant! I inspected it before pulling myself away when I heard some yelling down the hallways.

I was inclined to fly the Tardis away seeing that there was probably nothing stopping us. However the other Doctor might need help. I can't call myself a true whovian if I was to leave the Doctor in a lurch right? I spun my sonic on my hand, quickly making my mind up and made my way down the hallway. It was a few many moments later when I came face to face with Twelve crouching at the corner of the hallway.

"Oh no. It's you again," he groaned. "Tell me you haven't been kissing even more people."

I smiled and he hastily covered his mouth before I could reply. "Please tell me you aren't always a kissing monster. Please tell me I didn't become a kissing monster."

"I don't know…" I twirled my hair around my finger as I thought about it. "I wasn't always a kissing monster. It's kinda odd actually, now that I think about it. I don't have any memories either."

"Bad regeneration." He grunted. "They coming, quick run!"

As we ran down the hallway, it sounded and felt like explosions were erupting all around us. "What did you do?"

"Just some explosives you know." Twelve shrugged.

"Some? That's hardly _some_," I joked. My next words were cut off when a searing pain burnt through my abdomen. It was like fire. I could see the black dots flickering across my vision. He slung my arm over his shoulder and half carried me due to his height. Was it the regeneration energy or was it the dalek beam? I had my bets on the dalek beam. I'm not sure if it was due to the pain or the shock, some images of Gallifrey and stuff came back to me. Oh, I know the Doctor's name now.

"Why are you all so freakishly tall?" I wheezed, clutching my abdomen. Little golden flakes were glowing from my abdomen. Definitely dalek beam. Shouldn't be alive, it had killed Ten in one shot. Maybe I'm still alive because I'm still in my regeneration cycle.

"You're just freakishly short. Hold on. We're almost…"

Whatever Twelve said after that was lost on me as I passed out. Or maybe just returned to dreaming. I woke up the next day, back in my bed, in my room. The stupid sun shining through my pathetic excuse of a curtain. It had been a great dream. I got to kiss Jack and Matt! And Jenna and Samuel and Alex. Oh the embarrassment. Thank god it was a dream or I would have never lived it down. I snuggled a bit more in my bed. It was getting a bit too warm in my bed. With a suffering sigh, I rolled out of bed and shuffled out of my room.

I paused at the hallway. It was brightly lit with roundels on it – the Tardis' hallway. Oh god. It was not a dream. I really am the Doctor! For real? You got to be bloody kidding me. Damnit! Can I just go back in time and stop myself from kissing everyone again? You got to be kidding me. I'm definitely piloting the Tardis to find a past self and tell them to stop me. Oh. That explains why Eleven and Twelve called me a Kissing Monster. Bloody hell.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** This was mostly for laughter, fun and joy. Something that I came up randomly with the WHAT IF I BECAME THE DOCTOR! It was inspired by my friend telling me that I ever got dumped into the whoniverse, I would have been a doctor and not a companion based on my characteristics. This is a one-shot. Take nothing seriously.

I imagined that if I ever got into the whoniverse, I might have wanted (at a point of another) wondered how good Jack's kisses were. They (the Doctor and Jack) sounded like they were good kissers. It'd be entirely amusing to kiss them if you thought it was a dream. That's my thought anyway. If it's a dream, to hell with consequences. You know.


End file.
